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                   By the time I'd been cutting for a few months, I don't think I could have stopped if I wanted to.
                   And for a while I didn't want to... but then I started to think about what I was doing to myself,
                   and to notice the scars it was leaving.

                   If SI didn't leave any marks it would still be a bad thing to do... but it DOES, and frequently
                   they're permanent... which makes it a VERY bad thing to do. But you don't stop to think
                   about that at the time - all you are conscious of is the need to do it, and the relief it brings
                   from whatever personal ickiness was triggering you off. I fooled myself for a long time. I told
                   myself that I was only 'scratching'... but looking at my legs and my ankles now they are rather
                   a mess... some of my 'scratches' have left permanent scars. But at the time, I felt as if I was
                   doing a half-hearted job of hurting myself and as though I was unworthy of attention because
                   I couldn't make myself cut deeply. I didn't realise that I was sometimes I was doing quite a lot
                   more than scratching.

                   One problem with SI is that it's cumulative. Like any experience, you start out very small and
                   infrequent, and then it gradually builds up in intensity and frequency. Once you are used to
                   seeing the blood you need to see it more and more often, for smaller triggers. I started out
                   with tiny scratches, and I might have kept it to that except for getting so upset and losing
                   control. After I'd done that, then I had to do it more to get the same relief, and it didn't take
                   much to trigger me into cutting.

                   Some people refuse to see that what they're doing isn't a good idea... they see is as a way
                   of coping with stress, and it IS, but it's not a healthy one. Healthy people don't inflict pain on
                   themsves to deal with stress... I KNEW that I was doing something bad, but I couldn't stop. I
                   didn't know how to make myself not do it... or how to deal with the triggers in any other way.
                   My brain was wired to think - feel pain, cut, feel better. If I tried to resist the urge it would turn
                   into 'feel pain, say no, feel more pain, say no, feel MORE pain etc... and I'd end up cutting far
                   worse than if I'd just given in and done it in the first place, because my level of soulpain was
                   that much greater.

                   I'm sorry if I seem to be babbling in this entry, but I'm trying to explain something that doesn't
                   really go into words that well. Simply put, I was stuck in a rut. I wanted to stop, I knew it was
                   bad, but I couldn't make myself resist... they say that if you can do something every day for a
                   month it becomes a habit. Cutting was a habit for me, like it is for a lot of people. I kept my
                   pain to myself and didn't tell anyone what I was doing, and hoped that no-one would find out.

                   But then I started writing poetry about it. I posted the first ones into my support group and
                   they were well-received... so I decided it was OK to post more, and I did. They got a lot
                   darker too because I was trying to do what someone suggested, and write the urges out
                   instead of acting on them. Alas, they got too dark for the list-owner and I was asked to leave
                   because I was triggering other people off and upsetting the rest. So I left, and then I joined a
                   support group specificially for SI...

                   SI is a worldwide problem, and I'm hardly alone in dealing with it. The BUS mailing list has a
                   membership of 800, and they're ALL struggling with SI. Not everyone is an active cutter, but
                   they have been in the past. The list really made me realise that I was NOT alone... and it
                   taught me a few strategies for trying to avoid cutting. My first was to write to the list and beg
                   for support... then I'd write poetry... or try distraction... and a few other things. The list helped
                   me in some ways, but eventually I decided to leave because I found the sheer number of
                   pleas for help and support from other list members overwhelming and often triggering. I'd
                   help to support someone else through their crisis, and then after it was over I'd go and cut.
                   Not a healthy reaction, and certainly not a help in quitting... I was feeling very guilty too,
                   because I often wasn't in a place where I felt I could cope with the pleas, so I ignored them.
                   Everyone said that was OK, but it made me feel very guilty, which made me want to cut...
                   and so on.

                   I quit the list after about four months, resolved to try my darnest to beat the habit before I did
                   myself any REAL damage...