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Sluggish

3/23/2000

Today I feel very tired -
slow and sluggish
like some great lizard...
Moving, doing, thinking
all take more effort
than they did before
and apathy is
the order of the day.
Feels like somebody
reached out and touched me
in the night
casting a malign spell
that turned the blood in my veins
from hot to cold
while I slept unawares.
Thickening, slowing, cooling it
so it runs through my veins
as slowly and reluctantly
as the thoughts run through my mind.
If you could look inside me
you would see it
Blood thick and dark
Almost black
instead of red
Treacle or honey
instead of quicksilver...
And I have the strangest desire
to cut myself
and find out
if this is true....
cut
and watch the blood flow
Will it be fast? Or as slow as it feels...
purely scientific curiosity, this time
but strangely alluring..

***

Midnight Musing

4/16/2000

It's late at night
and I'm here alone
or I could be, I wish!
The house is silent -
Everyone else is asleep...
And I sit here at the pc
Trying to pin the elusive words
down to the paper.
My brother stirs
I hear him get up
and pad towards the bathroom
So I'm not alone after all...
But he leaves me alone
He's good that way.
Wish my mother was half as good...
If she's awake it's 'Kaji are you alright?
Kaji, why aren't you asleep?
Kaji, let me see your arms...'
Like I was staying up to spite her
Or for one single purpose
And not just because I wasn't tired...
I shouldn't mind
She'd just doing it because she cares
It's her way of showing it...
Just wish it did't drive me insane!
And I wish too
that she didn't have a reason for her concern.
I'm such an idiot.
Why do I do it? Why do I want to?
For I do want to...
I want to so much that its hurting me...
Feel crappy tonight - much worse than today
all wound up and tearful inside
but hollowed out and empty at the same time.
The vacuum needs to be filled
and the tears erased...
it's the only way.
I just wish that it wasn't...
Dear God I'm pathetic -
I know a large part of why I feel like this
is that I'm tired
and haven't been sleeping properly.
But I don't really feel tired
so instead of sleeping I'm sitting here
typing... and crying
and willing myself not to reach out to the drawer beside me...

***

Secrets

4/18/2000

I am weak
I know that
and I hate that
but that does nothing
achieves nothing
gains nothing...
I am weak
whatever people say
they cannot see
the pain in my heart
the despair in my mind
or the blood running down
inside my sock...
I am weak.
I cannot do
the things
I am expected to do
but I cannot do
the things
that would finish it
either...
I am weak.

***

Knives and Chains

6/5/00

chains that bind
and tear and tie
 knives to slice out the pain
I wish there was a knife big enough
to take away the hurt I feel tonight
but I deserved it
I asked for it
it's my own fault
so why am I sitting here crying?
I have no excuse for it
The chains have been snapped
I should be happy
No more need to wonder
about what 'might have been'
No tommorrows together
no nothings...
just me
and the knife
and the hurting...

***

I want

5/14/00

to run and never stop running until I get away from my life...
to take out the knife and cut until the pain runs away...
to reach for the bottle and drink until I can't feel anything anymore...
to cry an ocean of tears until there aren't any left...
to have a pill to take that would make me stop hurting inside...
to be held safe in someone's arms and know they are someone I can trust...
to be loved and to know that it's safe to give love in return...
to stop eating and not start again until I was skinny as a rake...
to hear someone say 'yes, I know exactly what you are going through' and
to know they are talking to ME...
to wake up one morning and just be like everyone else...
or to just not wake up one morning at all...

***

just do it...

6/3/00

 

knife out of the drawer

just do it...

blade out of the knife

just do it...

ankle, wrist or shoulder?

just do it...

arm out of the sleeve

just do it...

blade against the skin

just do it...

pressing downwards

just do it...

drawing it across

just do it...

blood - but is it enough?

just do it...

measly little scratches

just do it...

not what you wanted to do

 just do it...

want the blood to FLOW

just do it...

want the pain to end

just do it...

want the dark to fall

just do it...

want to feel the peace

 just do it...

want it...
need it...
deserve it...
but I can't DO it...
so I catscratch instead...
wimp

***

Just Thinking

6/10/00

Want to put
the knife
to my wrists...
feel it press
hard against my skin...
press down
just a little
and pull across...

no real reason
it's just
the thought
in my head today...

just thinking
not doing...
so that's ok

isn't it?

***

I know...

6/19/00

 

I know
that me hurting myself
seems like a Very Bad Thing
to a lot of you...

I know
that it's self-destructive
and a sign of self-hate
when I ought to be loving myself...

I know
that it hurts afterward -
right now
my leg hurts like Hell...

I know
that it's starting
to leave scars...
I hate them
but at the same time
I love them too...

I know
that they will get me
into trouble eventually
when someone sees them
who will ask awkward questions
or recognise them
for what they are...

I know
a lot of things...

but I also know
that it is better to hurt
and to show it
than to hurt
and to have no release...

and it is better to hurt
a little bit
when I make it happen
than to keep it bottled up
until I explode
and do something REALLY stupid
like I've done before...

and it is better to hurt
and to KNOW why I hurt...

Bodypain can be dealt with
lived with
worked around
ignored...

Soulpain is the killer.

And there's one last thing
that I know...

I know
that you probably don't
understand this

I know
you are probably sitting there now
blinking
and going 'huh'
and saying 'but WHY????'
or 'I wish she wouldn't do it'
or 'Isn't there a better way?'
or 'She should get help.'

I know that too
and you're not the only one
who has those thoughts...
but I'm not the only one
who has THESE thoughts either...

there's only one way
to UNDERSTAND cutting
and I wouldn't wish it
on anybody...

***

Want... Need... Can't...

8/1/00

I want
the Knife
shining silver blade
in a bright yellow case...
unlikely key to my secret life -
key to unlocking the mysteries of my flesh...
key to releasing this strange knot inside me...
key to deleting the misery and pain -
the reset button for my soul.

I need
to open it
to see it
to feel it
pressing hard on my skin
and sliding across
once, twice, three times...
for a moment nothing happens
then the first trace of fluid emerges
beading gently
gathering its forces
then rolling across the skin
first drop in an armada of red
painless catharsis
endlessly fascinating
temporarily relieving
but followed by the inevitable consequences :(

I want it
I need it
but I can't have it...
I mustn't.
I tell myself that
tell myself that it's BAD
and it doesn't help
and it'll HURT...
and it'll scar
and i'll hate myself afterwards...

but tonite that doesn't help
I'm torn...
I want it... but I don't
I need it... but I can't
I hurt inside
and I don't know any other way to kill the pain.

***

Blood

9/24/00

 

Blood
seductive danger
vital lifeforce flowing within
so near and yet so far...
out of sight
out of mind
out of reach
until, that is, the barriers are broken
forced down by the weight of the flickering knife
lifeforce welling out
rubycrimsonscarlet spheres
so beautiful
so seductive
so appealing...
at one-and-the-same-time so painful
so ugly
so repelling
and one day,
unless you're lucky
so deadly...
but always tempting
and ALWAYS there...

***

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