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Small Victories

9/30/00

This morning
as I stood in the kitchen
preparing my breakfast
I realised
for a change
that the knife
was just a tool
for cutting bread...

Could it be
that the end of my struggle
is in sight????

Or is it just
a brief cesstation
of hostilities?

Either way
it was an incredible
relief

Of such small victories
comes the winning
of the War

***

What's Missing?

10/11/00

 

No explosive outbursts of temper
No spontaneous bursts of hyperness
No sleepless nights and IRC marathons
No morbidly obsessive thoughts
No wall of glass between me and the world
No desperate cravings for caffiene, alcohol and sugar
No sudden frantic bursts of creativity
No sustained self-destructive impulses
No jagged emotional swings
No terrible self-hatred and despair
No suicidal ideations
No excursions into the emotional stratosphere
No SI
and I haven't had a drink in a month...

***

Do I miss them?
Sort of...
Do I think they're gone for good?
I don't know...
Do I worry about them coming back?
Sometimes...
Am I ready to face the world without them?
I hope so...
I've done 'normal' before... and I think I'm on the right track to do it
again.

***

Misery

10/12/00

my soul hurts
I can feel the unhappiness growing
and the misery descending
blanket of bleakness
falling upon my shoulders
almost comfortable in its familiarity
but ready to smother me
with its weight
if I let it stay...
I want to cry it away
but the tears are not at my command...
I can feel them there
close...
but if they fall
it is of their own violition
not mine.
the only tears I have power over
are the tears of blood
and they are forbidden.
Ruby tears
never do anything
to relieve the misery
anyway...
cleansing requires
the crystal tears
of grief.

***

Shall I count the Days?

10/13/00

 

One day for sorrow
One day for grief
One day for struggling
against the easy form of relief...

One day for happiness
One day for joy
One day for ecstasy
drowning urges in the joy...

One day for trying
One day just because
One day for forgetting
that the urge ever was...

One day for urging
one day for pain
one day for suffering
Give in? Then start the count again...

***

Blood

10/13/00

I need it
on the inside...
not the outside.
not trailing down my arm
from the gash in the skin
leaving tracks behind
like some burgandy snail
not there for the world to see...
I don't WANT the world
to see it -
just me.
They wouldn't understand
like they don't understand
the scars of my need...
Scars scare them
reminding them
that something isn't quite right here
reminding them
of things they'd prefer to forget
about their daughter,
their friend,
their fellow church-goer...
I'd prefer to forget too
if there was a way
to get the end
without them
I'd gladly take it...
It's not the scars
that sing to me...

***

Trio

10/14/00

 

write
do...
bad

write
do not do...
good

write
WANT
bad

write
instead of do...
better

write
not want
best.

***

Siren Song

10/14/00

ruby
burgandy
crimson
scarlet

blood
has many colours
and shades...

all beautiful
but all bad

i want blood.
it calls to me
sings to me
whispers my name
in the night...

i remember the smell
the look
the taste
i want
to see it
again...

I know it is bad
but I want it...
especially now

most of the time
I can forget...
but
menstruating
I am reminded
every day...

the Sirens called Ulysses
my blood calls to me
and like Ulysses
I must resist
or meet my destruction
in the Siren song
of the blood...

***

Discovery

10/14/00

 

i was going to...
the knife was in my hand
but i found
that after a month
the blades were not sharp enough
or my skin was too tough
or i was just too chicken...
three little scratches
that's all...
it doesn't feel right
and i don't know whether
to be disappointed
or glad...

***

Hurting

10/27/00

I hurt.
So what's new?
not bloody much...
bloody much
what a good turn of phrase
I feel bad
therefore things
that are usually forbidden
are drawing my mind to them
like honey to a bee...
or
more aptly,
blood to a knife...
I know what they were like
I know why they are forbidden
I know why I mustn't let my mind dance around them
my thoughts entertain them
my heart cry for them...
they are BAD
B
A
D
not what I should be thinking
and doing
and wanting...
Even letting myself
get this close to them
is bad.
Especially since
I know
that they don't
work
anyway...
Not for me
Not anymore
Not if I am supposed
to be well...
Everything I am doing tonight
is in the fucked up
should-be-discarded
category...
I'm an idiot.

***

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