It's been a long long time since I've updated this listing... it's
been a long long time since I've really had to struggle against my urges
to hurt myself. But eventually it had to happen - I pushed myself too
hard and I came to the end of my coping resources and I picked up the knife.
I wish I could be strong enough to handle the hard parts of life WITHOUT
crumbling and resorting to such unhelpful stress-managment techniques...
maybe one day I will be, but I doubt it.
I didn't WANT to hurt myself when I picked up the knife - I just
wanted to stop feeling and stop thinking and to anaesthetise my soul
for awhile so that I could sleep and stop thinking such darkly horrible
thoughts as I was last night. It could have been worse... if I'd followed
through on my train of thought it could have been MUCH worse... there won't
even be a scar... and I'm not exagerating this time. Maybe I
should find all the rest of my blades and trash them so I can't be tempted?
But there are always more where they came from so why should I bother?
If I threw out all my knives I'd just go out and buy more next time
I was at the supermarket or the hardware store...
I don't think I need to start counting days again... this was
a one-off. But it goes to show what I think at the back of my mind and
try to squash away - I don't think you can EVER really stop cutting once
you start... all you can do is stretch out the time between relapses.
I wish I'd never started...
Saturday 28th July 2001
I haven't really even thought about harming myself since I last slipped
up... I haven't done anything worthy of 'counting' anyway... I guess it
depends on how strict you are being with the definition, because I have
kicked my desk umpteen times out of sheer frustration or anger or upsettedness,
but I haven't done it for the pain - that was incidental. And yesterday
afternoon I was freaking out in the car and I started chewing on my knuckle
to try and block out the panic attack that was building. It's all red and
sore now because I bruised it. :( If I was going to be absolutely strict
with myself I'd have to count that because it left a mark... but I'm not
going to. There was no blood and no lasting injury, just a distraction.
I'm urging a bit today... but nothing that I can't control. [touch wood]
Sunday 15th July 2001
It had to come sooner or later. I've been under stress and urging
a LOT and really struggling with depression and confusion and every little
thing has been triggering me. The last straw was my umpteenth nightmare
of the week, this time a dream with cutting in it and which ended up with
me slashing at an attacker with my knife and then being cut by them. I woke
up but felt like I was still dreaming, and I found myself reaching for the
closest sharp before I knew what I was doing. In this case it was an opened
tin can that had been sitting on the counter overnight, followed up by
my knife. Not bad cuts, just scratches... but looking at them tonight I
realise that yes, this very definitely DOES count and yes, I still have a
problem. How much they hurt says I have a problem... how long and red and
nasty they are says I have a problem... how thoughtless my action was says
I have a problem...
I would like to say it was just impulse and not important, but I know
that is lying.
Before then I was on two weeks... and before THAT I was on four months!
Remember - what is done once can be achieved again. This was a stupid
slipup and the result of stress, not the end of the world. It happens...
so now I zero the daycount and start all over again.
***
Sunday 1st July 2001
One month ago my grandparents died.
Since then I've been struggling... but people say that's to be expected
and a natural reaction and all that stuff. I don't really CARE about
staying safe right now. I scratched my hand by accident and was almost
glad of it... and the other day I found myself walking past the kitchen
while I was feeling upset and the cupboard door was open and the gladwrap
dispenser was turned outwards with the sharp edge up. This is a very sharp
box and I accidentally scratched my hand on it the other day and turned
it around the other way for safety's sake. Someone must have turned it around
AGAIN because there it was just waiting for me... without even thinking I
started dragging my fingers across it - while my mother was on the phone
on the other side of the room!
I told my Love and he cried for me and made me feel so bad... not for
doing it, but for hurting HIM. It was for him that I quit last year... and
for him that I will have to try harder now.
Talk about dumb. All that time down the drain, and for pure stupidity.
:(
***
Wednesday 28th March 2001
I wavered the other day... I was left in the house by myself and
my fiance was in bed and I felt very alone. I was trying to keep busy
by doing household chores, but at the back of my mind was the thought
that when I was done if no-one was home I'd probably go and cut... and then
ironically something happened that totally drove the idea from my mind.
I jammed my finger in the garden gate entirely by accident, and
it hurt so much that any thought of deliberate injury totally fled my mind.
I do not like pain... I know it sounds strange when you think about what
I've done to myself in the past, but it's true. I am a wimp. If I get a headache
I turn into a whimpering mess... it was different when I was the one in
control.
***
Monday 26th March 2001
Well, I made it safely past the eight week mark. That's the first
time that I've managed to do that. It was hard, and I found myself urging
quite horribly for that whole week. I wonder whether putting up the counter
actually had any effect on me? Probably it did... if I hadn't put the counter
up and realised the significance of the date, then it would have drifted
by unmarked, and I wouldn't have had to fight off the urges. I didn't update
this counter last week because I didn't want to confront myself with the
numbers, but I still KNEW that it was a significant time.
But on the other hand, every time an urge is defeated it makes me a little
stronger... and I got through with no added injuries.
***
Monday, 5th March 2001
A few weeks ago I had to deal with a very hard experience - I had
to try and get references from my previous employers. When they came back,
they were very very bad... I was devastated, but instead of cutting I
cried on the phone to a good friend. Tears are a new experience to me
- I usually can not cry however unhappy I am. I don't know what I would
have done if my friend hadn't called me then, but she did and the idea of
cutting never entered my head. The last time I cut was on the 15th January
this year... and I don't think I've ever really urged since then.
Of course tommorrow is another day.
