It's official - I'm having a rough week... my emotions are all over
the place and so is my blood-sugar. I've also got to have some more tests
because my doctor's changed his mind again about my having PCOS. The last
tests weren't as negative as we would have liked them to be, and the doc
wanted to send me straight to a specialist, but I argued for a repeat test
first. On the positive side, I've added a shiny new guestbook to this site,
and I'm thinking of starting a Yahoo mailing list to keep people updated
on the site. I don't update often, but there might be people who'd like
to be informed of additions.
October 2002
Nobody's perfect, least of all me. I meant to update this diary a very
long time ago, but it kept on 'slipping my mind'. Yeah, sure - I just didn't
want to admit that I was stupid yet again. That's what SI boils down to for
me anyway - temptation comes into my way at a moment when I'm feeling weak
and without even thinking about it there I go again... The last instance
of stupidity was at the very end of September when I went away for a week's
holiday at a convention. Everyone else was going to the museum and I was overwhelmed
and panicked by the vast size of the queue waiting to get in the door and
I couldn't do it. So I split myself off from the pack and went to phone my
fiance long-distance to surprise him (three days without talking to him was
longer than we'd ever been seperated before...) only I found that my phone
plan does not allow international calls, so the call was blocked. While I
was sitting there feeling devastated I looked down and there was a pin lying
at my feet. That was all it took, and as I was wearing jeans and long sleeves
and in a public place, the back of my hand got it again.
It seemed like nothing, but I had to carry around the glaring red scratched
for the whole rest of the week with everyone asking what on earth had happened
to my hand :( One girl knew... we had a little talk about it and I
gave her the url for this website. She said she hadn't thought about other
people being like her... but honestly, I'd be more than a little surprised
if self-injury, depression and other uckies weren't quite common in the
Otherkin community. It's all tied in to being 'other' and being an outsider
and 'different'...
I wasn't tempted again until the last night of the convention when I was
incredibly overtired and overstressed and overwrought from the whole convention
experience, but I didn't do anything then because I didn't have the opportunity
to be alone with my misery. After I got home I experienced the whole post-holiday
letdown thing, and I was very depressed and sorry for myself and tempted
to cut for about two weeks, but I never did. And now I'm not feeling like
it anymore.
August 2002
For some wierd reason, I had a really hard time after I last wrote,
and I slipped up. I wanted to slice up the back of my hand again, but I
diverted myself onto my forearm where at least it wasn't quite so obvious.
28th July 2002
I'm under stress just now and it's making things a bit rough to handle...
I'm trying to keep busy to distract myself, and I realised that I haven't
updated this website in months, so I'm trying to fix it up a bit. Since
I put the webcounter onto this site I've been astounded to see how many visitors
it gets each week. It makes me feel that creating it was a valuable thing
to do...
I did one thing last week that didn't seem like a big deal, but when I
told people about it they thought it was - I cleaned out my makeup drawer
and tossed out my razorblades and my old prescription meds... I'd forgotten
they were even IN there and I just don't feel the need for them anymore.
I even told my pdoc that I did it, AND I told him that I cut... only now
I'm feeling extra-stressed because it sort of feels like I shouldn't have
talked about it even if it IS largely in the past, plus there's other stuff
going on in my life. It's kicking up my borderline symptoms, but I'm fighting
it.
May/June 2002
There's been nothing to write on this site for the last two months...
May and June were VERY good months for me - my mood trundled along so smoothly
that I was quite elated and had the feeling that I was miraculously 'cured'...
I had some medical tests done for PCOS and for a few weeks that seemed like
it would be the solution to everything... only the tests came back perfectly
OKAY (which is good, but also bad because at least it would have been a
non-psychiatric answer!), and then alas my hormones kicked in again at the
start of July and things went back to normal.
My tests showed one thing though - as we all suspected, I'm hypoglycaemic,
and one of the effects of low-bloodsugar is irrational thinking, severe
depression and self-loathing... which is why if I don't have breakfast in
the morning I get into serious trouble by lunchtime. Fortunately it's easily
fixed - my handbag and backpack and the glovebox of the car are now all home
to fruitbars, to prevent a reoccurence of what happened in April. Just being
aware of the problem is a help, but I still need to persuade my mother that
if I start screaming at her and having a tantrum over nothing or being all
incredibly negative she needs to shove some sugar in my mouth because the
odds are that it's a low-bloodsugar attack making me irrational.
28th April 2002
Had a rough weekend and lost the plot temporarily... the frustration
and depression and anger got to be too much for me, and my hand took the
brunt of it. Time to start over again...
23rd April 2002
Something scary happened... the other day I was having a really Bad
Day. I was very angry and aggressive and self-hating, and I grabbed the
kitchen knives while I was washing the dishes and scraped them along my
arm. It felt as if one time each would be 'okay'... it was too soft to even
leave a mark, but it was still an impulsively self-destructive act. That
wasn't the really scary bit though - I had a pdoc's appointment to go to
and I wanted to tell him about my arm but I couldn't bring myself to do it,
and we had a really pointless session and I walked out of the door feeling
incredibly suicidal. Even though I'm terrified of car accidents I wanted
to have one because then it would just be over... nothing bad happened, but
I WANTED it to :( My mood improved vastly when I forced myself to eat lunch
- I'm getting tested for hypoglycaemia soon, because this was SCARY. My self-control
is supposed to be better than that.
14th April 2002
Things are getting a bit rough again... 'Good' can't last forever but
I always start thinking that it will, and that makes the 'bad' seem even
worse. I've been very pre-menstrual and hyper-emotional and angry, but I've
been sitting on it as best I can. No injuries yet, except to my mother's
eardrums when I screamed at her!
Monday 1 April 2002
Still 'clean' and in a good place! I thought I should write that just
to let you know that no, I'm not ALWAYS struggling with urges etc. There
was a rough day last week when I was fighting with my mother and feeling
really depressed and pathetic and thinking 'why not'? But there IS a 'why'
and that is my promises to John and more importantly, to myself. I KNOW
what the consequences of a few moments of relief are, and I don't want to
go back there again EVER...
Tuesday 19th February 2002
Here we go again... back to zero. No knives this time, but marks anyway.
I think I need a nerf baseball bat so I can hit myself without doing any
harm... I am so STUPID sometimes :( (I punched up the brick wall at the back
of the house because I so desperately needed to HIT SOMETHING, and then
I finished the job with my hairbrush...)
Monday 18th February 2002
I only seem to have to think about self-injury every few months now...
inbetween times it's far from my thoughts, but then the thoughts come back
and once I START thinking about it they get stronger and stronger for a few
days or a few weeks until in the end I give in and do it. I haven't this
time... not REALLY... a few weeks ago there was something that I should maybe
count, but it didn't leave bruises... I was having a lot of anger and frustration
and I found myself banging my arms and wrists on the edge of my desk out
of sheer frustration, and I got out my hairbrush and hit myself with it...
but none of that left a mark. I haven't cut in three months!
