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| Record-breaking!
Longest time between episodes - 15 months Shortest time - six minutes Median time - 4 months Current SI-free period - 15 weeks (but 19 months without using a knife) |
I decided to add this page to my website in response to the number of emails I get from people who want to know how I'm doing, and how they can follow my example. Hopefully this will be a very non-eventful page to read... I'd like it best if I could say 'doing fine' every single time!
At first I put the counter in days, but it really didn't sound like very
many, and I'm not going to update it every single day. Once every
week or so is enough to keep track of the time without obsessing on
it. NOTE - most recent entry is at the top of the page.
Due to length, this page has been broken into sections, with the
most recent updates appearing on this page..
2001
2002
2003
2004
Still here... Since January I've been doing a lot of thinking about what
I did and why I did it. And my conclusion is that it wasn't really a desire
to harm myself or to feel pain that made me start scratching - it was the
incredible frustration and anxiety and panic and fearful anticipation related
to the vast pressure of 'the Interview' that would decide my future. I wanted
to jump out of my skin from the anxiety, so it was probably only natural to
start scratching at myself. I never realised that it would make such a mark
(I still have faint pink marks 4 months later) or I wouldn't have done it...
having done it once I'm being careful not to surrender to any desire to do
it again. I'm under pressure now - my Visa is coming up for final consideration!
And this makes it very very important for me to be able to show a skin free
from stupidity, and to present myself as a calm, rational, intelligent, most
importantly SANE human being so that they'll give my my visa and let me come
and live in the USA. Think I can do it? Well, I'm doing my best...
(there's a question on the medical form about self-harm, and a question
about 'have you ever taken action to end your own life' and a question about
'have you ever had a serious mental or emotional illness', and they're flipping
me out! But what good would it do for me to cave in under the stress - that
would just show them that I was an unsuitable candidate. I am stronger and
healthier than that. I can do this! And so far I'm doing well...)
And isn't it ironic that in January my fate rested on somebody deciding
that I WASN'T able to cope with real life, and such a short time later I
have to try and prove the opposite? :(
And another note - I had to have blood drawn for blood tests the other day.
Needles do not scare me, but I am no longer fascinated by the sight of my
own blood. I felt quite queasy and squicked looking at my own blood in the
quantity that the technician had to draw off for all the tests! I didn't
know they needed THAT MUCH! lol A papercut I can handle...
I just updated the count... I'm back to where I was before I relapsed in
January. In other words, I'm not thinking about it at all... it feels really
strange to me that I would have done it and I can't imagine wanting to do
it again, although intellectually I know I'm as vulnerable as ever. If the
right (wrong) triggers come along, then I'll inevitably fall. But till then
I'm fine. I'll check in again next month, if nothing else drastic happens
in the meantime.
On another note, this site is rapidly approacing 15,000 visitors. That's
a figure that's remarkably satisfying to me, especially since it's so soon
after reaching 10,000 (in September last year). People are reading, and that
hopefully means that my words and my struggle can help. It's time for me
to update the links section again and to try and find more helpful resources
for my readers. I really want to help other people to beat this thing and
to know that there is always hope...
There was one more lapse... but I've gone about two weeks now and since
the crisises are over I ought to be okay.
One thing I hate - now I have marks on my formerly unmarked left arm
as well as my right. :( Scratching seemed like a totally harmless nonscarring
activity, but it's not. Sure they won't be permanent, but for now I have
to look at them and hate them. Don't do it!
I've gone so long without cutting that it seemed like I'd beaten it forever, but I'm under a great deal of stress just now and finding it a real struggle to maintain my record. I thought about just keeping my mouth shut about this less than helpful news, but it wouldn't be doing any of you any justice to let you think that life is entirely roses. There are plenty of skunk cabbages out there, and right now I'm sniffing my share of them. I am VERY tempted by the old ways and while I haven't actually harmed myself I know I'm skirting dangerous waters, especially since I've started semi-binging on anything sweet I can get my hands on instead.
Today I had more bad news and couldn't handle it anymore, so I went outside
and attacked a thorny bush that died this week, and cut and sawed half
of it down. It left me with blisters, angry scratches (from the thorns)
and a feeling of accomplishment... only now I'm done my wrist and hand
are agonisingly painful. I was seriously thinking of cutting, only now
I don't 'have' to because I'm in major pain quite legitimately! What I haven't
worked out yet is if this is a good thing or not...
This site has reached ten thousand visitors in less than two years! I am
astounded at the numbers, and humbled at the thought that I can have touched
that many lives. I hope that this site is providing a valuable service
for you all, or at least being of some help. Together we are strong.
I never thought I'd see this day come. I am less than three weeks away
from meeting the twelve-month mark of being self-injury free! It hasn't
been easy, and I've been tempted lots of times, far more than I've reported
here. But each time the urge has come upon me it's passed more quickly,
as I've gained strength and confidence in myself and my abilities. The
scars are fading, and there will never be any new ones to replace them.
I know I haven't updated this site for a long long time... this is partly
because I haven't had anything to report or add, and partly because
I've just been away travelling for three months. Now I'm back and I've
just added a large number of poems that people sent me before/during
my vacation. Thank you! I want this site to be about self-expression
and helping each other... I also cleaned the spam out of the guestbook,
and I was very moved by the number of messages people left while I was
away.
I am now up to eight months free of cutting. This is the longest
I have managed to go since I started trying to give up, but it hasn't
been easy. During the stress-free times, the thought of self-harm couldn't
be further from my mind, but once things get hard back I go to the old
thought patterns and self-punishment seems like the 'right' thing to
do. Of course it's not... I know that and you know that and the rational
part of my brain has thus far managed to overrule the primitive section
and keep me self-injury-free. But remember - the urges never really go
away. Under the right conditions they WILL come back - be ready for them
and know that you can be stronger than they are. Travelling was very stressful
for me and it set me up for self-injury, and it's really only luck that
kept me from doing anything, that and the very strong desire NOT to show
my travelling companion that I was hurting in that way... if I'd done anything
she would have seen and then we would have been back to square one eleven
thousand miles from home and there was NO WAY I was going to let that happen.