Web Hosting by Netfirms | Free Domain Names by Netfirms

I bet this is one thing you haven't thought about if you SI... you never think that they'll happen to you. Somehow you expect that you'll miraculously escape them. Either you convince yourself that the damage you're doing is too minor to LEAVE them, or you think that you deserve them as a badge of dishonour, or you think that you won't care in the future...

You're wrong on all counts.

I never thought I would have scars... I was convinced that the little tiny 'catscratches' I was giving myself weren't going to leave a mark when they healed... I thought that once the scabs healed over, then they'd be gone.

It's not true.

Remember this... you might not care NOW, but you will care very much later on, when your parents notice the netwerk of old scars  on your skin... they may know where they came from already, in which case they will be reminded of things you both want to forget. Or they may not know... in which case they will start asking questions about where the silver tracery came from...

It might not be your parents... it might be your boyfriend/fiance... or your employers... or your children...

Pain is temporary, but scars are forever.

---

The scars on my arm are barely visible now... they're fading out so that you can't even notice them unless you know they're there... but there's no way to erase them really...

Inside, in the shade, they look like they're gone, but that's just an illusion.

Go out into the sunshine and they spring up in sharp contrast to my skin...

it's the ultra-violet... I noticed it in the car yesterday... you can see every single line white against my brown arm. And on the other side, where  my skin is white, they are red.

The writing is not on the wall... it's on my arm.

I was the most incredible idiot to put it there... them there... but now there's no getting away from them.

They are going to be there forever.

A permanent reminder of how incredibly STUPID I can be...

I hate them.

I hate the way they remind me of things that I don't want to think about...

I hate the fact that they are going to be there forever...

I hate the way that they remind me and anyone else who looks closely of things better forgotten...

I hate the fact that I was STUPID enough to put them there.

I hate them...

I hate the silvery streaks crisscrossing the outside of my arm.

I hate the little purple lines on my thighs.

I hate the trelliswork of red on my ankles.

I hate them all...

They brand me a coward and an idiot and a failure.

They're there... they're inescapable... and they're forever.

I wish I'd thought of that when I picked up the knife the first time...

I wish there was a way to undo them, to make them go away...

I wish there was a way to have made me never make them in the first place...

I wish...

and you know what the REALLY stupid thing it?

the more I look at them the more I hate myself...

and the more I hate myself the more I want to punish myself...

and the more I want to punish myself the more I want to hurt...

and the more I want to hurt...

well, you get it.

Some habits there are no escape from...

HOME